My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?