If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.