2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
thank god the sign was there
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard