They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.