I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Holy moly
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.