Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
You Might Also Like
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
there’s probably a fee though
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”