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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.