*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong