Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles