Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
the noise i just made
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes