Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
What flavor cupcake are these
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later