my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
You Might Also Like
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*