Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Sheep
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.