911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…