Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*serious situation*
My brain:
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.