i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you