Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Love this guy
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.