living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline