Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”