“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You Might Also Like
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?