Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Hot Panini is in big trouble