the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.