Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I’m giving up ice.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”