(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
You Might Also Like
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no