Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????