‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
fair
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
A drum solo but on your face.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO