I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
me when i see my girls butt
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”