Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My teenage children choosing violence
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that