This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.