No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.