I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
See..?
.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Jail
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Have a lovely day 😊
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK