being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster