I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
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My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
584.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?