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Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please