waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops