Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.