Just had my nails done!
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.