Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
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May have had one breakfast too many
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA