Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
very niche meme I made
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?