“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.