[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
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Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Smells like a challenge to me
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
S O O N
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.