Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.