Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow