the dark web is just a goth google.
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Kids: Stay in school.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
This will teach them to underestimate me
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed