Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
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Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Still cracks me up
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now