I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Why soy sad?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.