At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
twitter users today:
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive