My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Mistakes were made
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.