We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.