I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I am all good here, 😂😉
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.